Reexamined lately?

Late last night I got angry.  I snapped at Jodi, I closed up and went into my bomb-shelter mind/sphere.  I stopped all rational thoughts towards allowing myself to evaluate where my change in mood was coming from.  I stopped listening to positive thoughts and lost control of what a negative thought was.  I was listening to what I knew as my enemy, but wasn't choosing to dismantle a bomb I knew full well how to stop.    


The truth is I began to feel something come over me and felt like a failure.  I was believing that I was failing at being a friend to friends, failing at being a husband and just flat out failing at living the way I should.


Jodi and I were about to read "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan and then fall asleep, but instead I began to get attacked and then lash out of fear that the words I was hearing were true.  But they weren't.  I  hear the words often.  Maybe you do to?  


"You're a failure at everything you put your mind to"
"You thinking you do ministry for the Lord, but you hurt more than help."
 "You have no calling or purpose, and who really does or has ever found it?"
"The people you consider friends don't call you their friend."
"You are not living as if Christ lives in you."
"You call Him Lord and Master, but do not live like that is true."
"You're attempts at doing anything good is only for personal gain, and you think you're a Christian?."
"Why are you even here?"
"You need to get away, become a recluse, and then things will settle and get better."
   (these are only a few)


And in those lies, I heard over all of them the loudest one, "No one loves you."


Sadly, these words come far to often.  Does this sound like your mind ever?


As I laid there red hot with anger and contemplating my whole existence I somehow slipped in, with strength that was not my own, the words "help me Lord".   And through the noise of a battle zone, trapped in the middle of enemy lines and curled up in a ball of despair I heard Him speak.  At first I felt betrayed and deeper frustrated because what I heard wasn't silence and then peace, but instead a question or riddle.  I heard, "who are you pleasing (living for)?"


Sometimes I put myself into the enemies hands because I am putting my trust in neither side.  Sometimes I am telling God that I am still needing to see Him work in my life so that I can find true peace in Him as my savior.  Sometimes I even keep God in a box and only listen if He responds by my demands.  I expected silence and safety, but last night the noise continued because He wanted  to help me see that I need to truly trust the One who is saving me from the enemy.  


Last night I wrestled with that riddle till I fell asleep.  But right before I fell asleep I wrote to two close friends, "pray for me because I'm feeling spiritually attacked".  Because in those hard times, we need help.  Then through the mind-bending riddle I found out who I am living for.  I wrote down "I'm addicted to trying to make people happy, (being a people pleaser) sometimes if I feel I can't make them happy I feel worthless, hurt and want to give up. I'm sorry God, I've forgotten my first love."


So this morning, I reread these words, contemplating the meaning of them and if it were true, because sometimes late at night I can write something down and later realize it made no sense at all.  But this time it was true.  I am a people pleaser.  I looked up what it meant and found this site, People Pleasers, and checked all of the criteria off by how I live.  


I live way too often thinking about how you or someone else may think of me.  Even now, as you read I could be curious if you like this? But why, that's not why I write!  I am not even a writer, and I got straight C's through every english/writing class I've ever had!  


[I write because I have felt the Lord wants me to, not because I want to make anyone think I am anyone special, or to make money or to become famous.  I don't make money, I am a nobody and only want to be a nobody and I definitely do not want to get swept up in becoming anyone special or famous.  Plus there is no possible way my writings can accumulate to anything other than a fellow Christians daily life and that's all I want this to be.]


Back to the point.  
I live for man's approval and I need to only worry about how the Lord sees me.  As easy as it is to type those words, it is not as easy to understand them.   How come I can agree with what that means, but never implement what it means into mental and spiritual proactive actions against this daily attacking enemy? =In constant commune with Christ.


I forget that I am weak and He is in control and that I MUST rely on Him always and He is the only one who can give me Strength, give me Peace, can truly love me, give me courage, give me meaning, give me rest...and lastly He is the only one that I want to live for.


I have been convicted by how I live for others approvals.  I forget who I am here for.  Do you too?  I listen to lies and then begin to believe them.  I get lost and caught in traps.  I throw my hands up and say I deserve to hear all the lies because I do think them sometimes.  I forget that I was adopted by the One and only God of the Universe, who is loving, when I finally put my trust in Him.  I forget that He will not take me back to the orphanage.  I forget that He will not punish me harshly.  I forget that He went through a huge process in order to save me from the family I was in.  I forget that He will never say "don't come home", or "you've hurt my family too much", or "I no longer want to be your Father."  He will always be my Father.  Now how am I going to live my life?  Grateful, stubborn, apathetic or unsure of my adoption?  Am I going to live more for the people around me who offer me nothing or for the One who did all He could to take me in and promise me a life that I would love forever? 


The Bible says a lot about people pleasing, rather than God:

Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,

James 4:4  You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

The list goes on: Ephians 6:5-9, Matthew 6:1-34, Galatians 3:28, 2 Timothy 4:3-4, Matthew 6:33...

It also says this:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Everybody goes through rough times. Finances, marriage, work, kids, family, emotional stress, the list goes on and on. None of God's children are immune to life's troubles, and God often uses those times to test us, refine us, and bring us closer to him.

Jodi always points out James for a good source of encouraging Bible verses. I guess James got her through some rough spots before she met me (not that I solve all her problems now...quite the opposite I must say!)

James 1:2-3 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

WHO HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING FOR LATELY?




PRAY AND ASK FOR MORE HELP FROM JESUS.